General Update/Explanation: Or, I'm Sorry.

Author: Matthew I. Wanner

It’s been a minute, and I’m going to get more active again, I’ve just had shit. I’ve talked about it a little before, but not in any detail. I’ll probably make a video where I talk about it because it’s just plain easier to talk about it than write about it. I’m also going to apologize, this probably isn’t going to be interesting, but I figure, since I have a Patreon, it’s probably important that I let people know what’s going on.

Basically, things have been going steadily downhill for me since about the 4th of July. At first, I was just having trouble getting my medication from the VA. I couldn’t even go to the emergency room because the VA hospital was a three-hour drive away from where I was staying. It didn’t help any that where I was staying was very remote. I had some shoddy internet access but was otherwise isolated. I enjoyed many things about New Mexico, but the overall experience was rather unpleasant. That wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, without my medication, I’m pretty useless. My back and leg start acting up again, often making it difficult to walk or move around. My depression came back as well, as deep and hopeless as I remembered it. I’m still fighting with it since I still haven’t got my medication.

I talked to the guy who wrote my Bupropion and Seroquel prescriptions over the internet since I was going through what’s called The Veteran’s Choice Program, basically the VA mental health people were all taken, so I was outsourced to a civilian therapist and, due to my location in Oregon, I had to go through an online service, which worked fine for me since I didn’t have a car at the time. Anyway, he quit, and it turns out that I was going to have to go through the VA again, but my VA is in Oregon, and I am not. I don’t want to lose the doctor I have since he’s the best VA doc I’ve had, and I have concerns over keeping my residency in Oregon for tuition reasons when I go back to school.

I was hoping to be going back to school this coming winter term, but I have some late fees at the community college I was going to, so I’m going to have to pay those before my transcripts will be released, and I am unemployed.

I’m staying with some friends right now, but it’s hard to say how long that will last. I’ll be living in my car when this comes to a close, unless I find some kind of work. If my back or leg worked properly, that might be a bit easier. Such is life. Still, I am, honestly, afraid.

I’m still off my medication, although once I figure out what’s going on with my living situation, I’ll probably be able to get back on it. I don’t function well without it; I am unstable. I have always lived with instability, in my life as in my head, and while I don’t think I’ll ever live like most people, spending years and years living in one town, or one place, holding a career, but the instability in my head is no longer tenable; I don’t think it ever really was; I just managed to keep ahead of it. It’s hard to get my life stabilized when my head is like this, it’s hard to prioritize things, it’s hard to remember things or concentrate. Everything that happens, no matter how small, is an emergency, everything is equally as important and it’s all MAXIMUM important or completely unimportant. My life did start to stabilize when I was on my medication, but the damage was already done.

Not everything that lead me here is my fault, but I know that most of it is, and the rest isn’t anyone else’s fault, shit just happens and we’re all trying to deal with it the best we can.

I’m trying to prioritize some writing and general creative work time, and I’m going to put out some more stuff for my couple remaining Patreon patrons, and some stuff that I’ll probably post there, but will be open for anyone to grab. The book has me a little overwhelmed at the moment, well I should say books, since the one I started for NaNo is going to get finished at some point, I rather love the idea of sailing ships in space and pirates who trade in books and knowledge.

Until then, carry on. I may not have needed to post this rambling explanation, but because I have left my Patreon up, and I am planning on returning to my work on it, I felt some explanation was necessary. I intend to continue creating, writing, and lurking about the internet regardless of how my life goes.

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