My Myriad of Medications

Author: Matthew I. Wanner

This is not a short story, nor an easy one.

I can't separate who I am from the medications I take. These things help me be a person, when they're the right ones.

Perhaps I am a weak human being. Perhaps, if I were stronger, I wouldn't have these problems to begin with, but I think that is probably garbage. I'll admit I'm a weak person prone to bouts of pique and impulsiveness. I have almost no impulse control; I can know something is a bad idea and do it anyway because it's there to be done. It's why, even though I love heights, I avoid cliffs; the urge to jump is just too strong. I don't understand people that don't feel that.

I sit here looking, ever looking, at a bottle of Trazodone, 100mg.

It'll probably knock me out.

I don't like it.

I've taken handfuls of it before and it hasn't knocked me out, but I know tonight it will. It will because I'm not manic, and I'm tired, and I've blown out my back and my bad leg.

I am bipolar. It is a problem.

A friend of mine once told me that this was like not knowing if you were going to way up as Eeyore or Tigger. She was pretty spot on.

Except when the meds are working. Oh, Eeyore and Tigger are both there, they happen, but they're more manageable, or less often, or both, and sometimes neither, because this shit doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any damn sense to me; I feel like I'm just the clean up crew most the time. I have to, and will, take responsibility for the things I do when I'm up or down. I don't have to like it; I still did it, it's my responsibility. It's still not fun cleaning up after yourself when you don't understand why you did the things you did.

This was supposed to be about my meds.

I've been being medicated for this for about a year now, by my a medical doctor. I had max dose Bupropion, and Trazodone for sleep. Turns out, high doses of Bupropion do terrible things for manic episodes. Make them worse. Yay, fun. Well, manic episodes are a blast. That's kind of how they work, everything seems pretty fucking awesome. Well, there are the bad manic episodes, which are like having a panic attack 24/7. Don't know a panic attack? Ever stepped off of something and the ground wasn't where you expected it to be, so you fell and your heart caught in your chest? It's like that, but it's not momentary.

It took me about a year to finally get an appointment with somebody that could prescribe medication for mental health stuff. Not a psychiatrist, but, well, I honestly don't care. He got me on meds that work for me, so far.

I'm on an anti-psychotic. Helps with mania. I've also had auditory hallucinations. I got to hear one of my two best friends laughing in my ear. He lives in a different state. Know what that's called? Bipolar psychosis.

I really wanted to talk about all the different meds I'm on and why changing from one to the other is such a big deal, but I didn't get there. It's not an easy subject, and there's no objective tools or terms to use, because it's not a universal experience.

If you're struggling with working out the shitshow that is finding the medication combination that works for you, feel free to get ahold of me. If you need help with this whole shit show we call life, feel free to get ahold of me.

Why do all meds taste like chalk?

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